Some Thoughts On Why I'm Writing This Blog.
No sooner do you start to show a little baby bump of pregnancy, than people are warning you, "Well they may seem cute now, but just wait 'til... (They start to walk, or the Terrible Two's or The teen years, etc...)". I know mothers who dread all these stages, because of what they have heard from other, well meaning people. I never bought into it, though. I figured, heck, I wasn't a terrible teen, why should my kids be? I was never embarrassed to be seen with my parents, nor was I ever an embarrassment to them, so why should I worry that my kids might be? And if I dread those stages, won't it just be a self fulfilling prophesy? So, ignorant as I was, I enjoyed each stage of my children’s development - some more than others, of course, but all of them have been interesting, challenging, and growth producing for all of us.
The key lies in understanding what the stages are all about, and in accepting that change is inevitable, good, and necessary. The development during in the "Terrible Two's" is a fascinating and amazing time where the child is starting to develop a rudimentary sense of independence. They want to do things themselves, to experience their own power, strength, and ability. If you accept it, and allow them to make choices and do things on their own (within reason), you can celebrate the little victories with them, and deal with far fewer power struggles.
The same is true for the teen years. Teenagers need an individualized and balanced amount of independence coupled with the knowledge that parents are still there as a safety net, and will enforce (appropriate) rules. Teens will push the boundaries; sometimes to make sure there are boundaries, sometimes because the boundaries are no longer appropriate. And parents need to keep revisiting the rules and boundaries to make sure that they are still appropriate and necessary... and sometimes to think up new ones that we never needed before!
But this is a blog about mothering our adult children, and my point in all that preamble, is to try to apply it to the NOW. I hear a lot of older mom’s bewailing how hard it is to see their adult children veer off course. This is often true of those who raised their children in a strict religion. The children go off to college, start experimenting with life… maybe they decide that their parents religion is not for them and they try a few others on for size. Maybe it’s drugs or alcohol… And the parent wants their child back, wants control back, wants them back “on track”, whatever that means.
The young adult years are just one more important stage of development. It is during these years that they are testing out what they learned at home, what works and holds true in the world, and what doesn't... It is healthy to leave the parental structure behind, to a degree, and explore a little. It's appropriate for us all to find out for ourselves, what is true and what works, and more importantly, WHY... why we believe what we believe, why we do what we do. Parents who criticize and guilt their adult children during this stage are only making themselves, and their child, CRAZY! I know of one daughter who didn't go back to the religion of her mother until after her mother was dead, which seems a little extreme (unless you knew her mother). That mother tried everything - guilt, shame, blame, judgement - trying to control her daughter into doing what SHE thought she should do. That daughter did go back to the religion of her mother, but not until her mother could no longer claim any power over her through it. Don't push your adult children away from you by constantly harping on how they are doing it all wrong!
As people who have reached a certain age, we have most of our ideas and ideals set in stone. We have experienced life, and have found what works for us and what doesn't, and so, in the spirit of being good parents, we want to continue to guide our adult children and tell them how to do it all. But that is no longer appropriate. An important phrase is "We have.... found what works for us". Just because it works for us, doesn't mean it will work for them!
I'm not saying that this is easy, because it's NOT. And I'm also not saying that we shouldn't give them our honest, difficult advice when they need it. I am saying that we need to wait until we are asked, though. We need to respect their right to make their choices, and if we don't understand, then we can ask them (without judgement). Keep the dialog open, because - just maybe - we actually did a good job raising them, and they have might thought it through, and they might open our eyes to some new ways of seeing things.
